Where are you REALLY from?

I have this little dream that one day I will bind up (bind as in pages, not feet) all the frustrations my generation of Asian Americans face into a neat little book.

Them: Where are you from?
Me: Seattle.
Them: *Scoff. Laugh as if I made a cheeky joke.* No no, where are you really from?

Most times I just give up and tell them want they want to hear. Why does this crap bother me....imagine going up to every black you meet with "Hi. Nice to meet you. Were your ancestors slaves?" Or better yet, go up to a white and ask "Were your great-great-great-grandparents slave owners?"

Why does it matter and it's none of your business, so shut ya mouth!?!? Don't get me wrong, I am proud of being an immigrant. My life story is the backbone of my identity and my conscience. I love talking about ME. ME. ME. I don't even know what part of "Where are you really from?" that bothers me. I feel like people ask it only to satisfy some sick curiosity. They rarely go beyond labeling me as "assimilated immigrant" or "model minority."

At times, I can feel them doing mental calculations to assess if I have linguistically and culturally assimilated into mainstream white America. Internally checking if my English skills and mannerism justify two decades on US soil. Am I paranoid? Maybe. But more often than not, the rest of the conversation confirms my suspicion. Here's a list of What-I-really-Want-To-Say to Where-Are-You-Really-From?

Them: Oh, but you speak English so well.
Me: Yes. Thank you US education system.

Them: Do you visit your home often?
Me: Yes, I go home every night.

Them: I love PF Chang. Isn't this place great?
Me: Sure.
*If you don't get this one, see comedian Dat Phan's clip.

Them: Are you disappointed that you only have two daughters? You must be trying for a boy next time.
Me: Yeah, my girls are a disappointment. Want to buy them? I'm not keeping the next one, if it's another girl. For the record, I'm not "trying for a boy" as much as "trying to have hot steamy sex."

Them: I heard about the typhoon/earthquake/flood/wrath of God in Asia. Are your relatives okay?
Me: Thank you so much for your concern and kind thoughts. Luckily my family lives in Seattle and the typhoon/earthquake/flood/wrath of God only hit a small section on the other side of the continent from my ancestral home.

(If I don't get some pop culture reference)
Them: Oh, that's right! I forgot you didn't grow up here.
Me: If I didn't rush to the opening night of Harry Potter, that doesn't make me a foreigner, you dumbass.

Them: Must have been so hard growing up a Communist.
Me: ?

(At potluck party)
Them: Did you bring authentic Chinese food? I'm so excited to try some.
Me: I baked a homemade apple pie. (discontended sighs seep in around me)

Them: Your people's . . . xyz blah blah.
Me: My people can kick your collective asses.

(If I am in possession of any ethnic looking food, even if it's in a take-out Styrofoam container inside in a "Thank You" plastic bag with plastic utensils.)
Them: Oh My God! Did you make that?
Me: No, I got my order to-go. And no, it's not food from my family's business.

Fetish in the Raw

Update: I replied to the post. Never heard back. Wuss ass.

I don't even know why ads like this still surprise me, especially on Craigslist.

Party Girls/Hostess (West Seattle)

Looking for two girls to serve drinks at an afternoon BBQ for 7-10 guys this Thursday. Totally legit, no sex, you just come dressed in a cute/hot summer outfit, serve drinks and mingle with mostly a bunch of married guys. You should be easy on the eyes and be a decent conversationalist (English is required, Chinese is a plus).

I'll pay $50 per girl for 4 hours plus all you can eat/drink and a ride home if you need it. I prefer the two girls know each other so you both can feel more at ease. You should both be 25-35 years old.

Send pics for consideration. Please put BBQ in the subject of your reply so I know you are real.

Dude, are YOU for real? Chinese is a plus!?!?! Thanks for reassuring me that you're not a bunch of desperate single men, but secure married men who need to live out your South Pacific fantasy.

I kinda want to reply and ask if he's got an Asian fetish or perhaps it's a party for a bunch of Chinese speaking men. Yes, this is an ad from Seattle Craigslist for those of you who automatically assume Seattle don't have their share of racists.

Why are Asian kids so good at math?

You Offend Me You Offend My Family’s post, Worst Childhood Punishment, made me laugh so hard I was crying and choking on my own spit. I have totally seen my friends’ folks, my aunts and uncles, and upset parents on the street pulling the same deal. “Shut voice! Go die! Kill yourself. USELESS. Suicide. You kill me! DIE!”

My grandpa used to take my cousins and I on walks to the park. He had us pick out tung dtew, or wicker sticks, to be used for beating us when we got in trouble. My cousins and I competited over who will get Grandpa's priase and approval for finding the best tung dtew. Even as a kid, I remember thinking that was pretty fucked up, but hell yeah I was still trying to win. I spent all afternoon picking out sticks instead of climbing around the playground. It may have been a sick game, but I was still determinded to win!

My parents were very forward thinking and didn’t hit me. They sheild me from my grandparent's hands. My older brothers were spanked, but by the time I came along they decided a gentle girl like me didn’t need any physical punishment. *see note

Where I did get it from was school in Hong Kong. Hand slaps by wooden ruler in from of 40 other students. Standing in the corner while pulling down on your own ear lopes while holding a sitting position over a phantom chair for an hour. Good times. Good times.

When I started school in the US, I was told but still didn’t believe this mythical school system that does not involve dehumanizing methods. During my first months in US schools, I constantly checked out the teachers’ desk to see what size ruler each teacher used. I was shocked the teachers had the gall to display their rulers so boldly in pen cups. Brandishing their hitting stick next to their pile of good job sticker. These teachers didn’t even bother to respectfully stow their weapon inside the desk drawers, away from plain sight. I was scared out of my mind by these ballsy tall white middle-aged ladies. Couple of years went by before I stop anticipating a hand slapping session for talking out of turn. Or being called to stand in front of the entire class while my teacher chastised me for getting a F- on a test. Yes, that was one of my Hong Kong teacher’s routine after every test. The student with the lowest grade got a loud special one-on-one heart to heart in front of the whole friggin’ class. Even with this kind of routine, I still didn’t study hard. I was one lazy mofo back then.

Now I see my daughter in elementary school, with every lesson in the form of a game. Math and science are taught with circle time songs -kumbayah style. Cute macaroni and cotton ball projects for their little minds to roam with. I’m happy my children can learn without the looming fear of physical abuse. But part of me feels like shouting “Fuck this shit! Back in my days…..we got slapped around, and we liked it!”

Do you still wonder how international students from Asia rock at math? There’s a reason. We were saving our little hinds with the quadratic equation. Mulitiplying out way out of a beating. I never complain about our (humane) US education system. Call it maladaptive preferences, but I just can't complain.

*note: My mom said she stopped corporal punishment after she threw a pair of scissors at my brother. He still has a six inch scar to proof it. Holy shit…..WTF, Mom?

I wanna grow up to be just like Long Bach Nguyen!

In addition to my zen conversations with my daughter series, I will begin posting on Asian Americans I admire. This is the first of the "I wanna grow up to be just like you" series.

Seattle-based Long Bach Nguyen is my hero of the week. World traveler. Professional pilot. Volunteer Civil Air Patrol search and rescue commander. Aerial photographer. Immigrant. Sounds like a fun person to be around.

The Seattle Times wrote an article on him this week. You can find his photography here. Some of his take-off and landings pictures serve as an useful learning tool for my own flights.

My favorite is the final approach to Port Orchard airport. That place cracks me up. Not the smallest airport by any means. Yet it totally gave me a very rural truck stop feeling the first time I landed there. I half expected some guy with a beer in hand making a call on a wall payphone. Or a diner waitress in a bright yellow uniform with white apron outside on a smoke break. But in reality it was 8pm and nobody was in sight. Must have all been down at the local tavern shooting pool or something.

My New Favorite Blog

Got this site through Angry Asian Man. My new favorite blog is You Offend Me You Offend My Family. It's only been up and running for a month. Already filled with insightful perspective such as In Defense of Yellow Fever, because seriously....who can resist us hot Asian women?

The blog is penned by 8 different writers. I can't wait to read more from this group. What really got You Offend Me an overnight sensation in the AA blogsphere is actor Roger Fan's stand against racist typecasting. He refused to be objectified as an Asian background for the Red Dawn remake, perhaps at the expense of his career. We applaud you, Roger! Your courage makes us proud.

Pandas in Space!

There was a space program panel discussion back in 2008 on China’s position in space travel development. The talk was titled “Pandas in Orbit: China’s Space Challenge.”

Really? You’ve gotta be kidding me right? Do we have to effing caricature China’s space program as cute harmless dim-witted pandas? Economic powerhouses Hong Kong, Singapore, S Korea, and Taiwan got coined the Four Asian Tigers and sending people to the moon got…..fuzzy pandas? Sure, they’re red and when it comes to space race, we’re used to hating reds. At least China’s program might get them to the moon in a decade.

I should note that US space program is suffering because we’re a little bit old school. The “median age for engineers in the U.S. space program is well over 50 (with 26% eligible to retire in 2008). The average age for Shenzhou program engineers is 36, and only 33 for China’s “Chang E” (pronounced “tchang-uh”) lunar program.”

They may be pandas, but they are young cuddly educated pandas in overstuffed spacesuits sitting on top of a rocket. Enjoy the view from your rocking chairs turkeys!

Portland Oregon Hate Crime

Hate crime against a Vietnamese American man in Portland Oregon. Vuong was sitting in his car at a stop light when four white men shouted racial slurs, banged his car, and threw BAGELS at him. Bao Vuong escaped uninjured.

Yes, it's 2009. Yes, this hate crime happened on a west coast city. And my friends and family wonder why I'm so paranoid all the time.